Growths and growing up

Divine right action is always taking place in my life.  Only good comes from each experience. It is safe to grow up.

Using gold-inked pentel pen, I wrote on pieces of white paper the above and several other affirmations I got from Louise Hay’s book.  Positive statements to address particular physical ailments, both those I deemed minor as well as those I feared might be major.  Many moons ago.

I have to help myself.

Little did I know the one left tacked on my bedroom wall, the italicized one above, would have special significance in the light of one physical dis-ease which presently wants attention.

Affirmations work.  I believe I have considerably improved inwardly which seep out as my attitude, and hopefully, in my action, too, thanks to various affirmations I have recited to myself through the years.

“Create a loving dialogue with yourself, enabling your inner values to awaken and be expressed regardless of your external world” went the text in a page I just now randomly flipped open in a Brahma Kumaris booklet a friend lent me.

Days ago I instinctively opened to a page of Ladies Lunch, a book by my fave Filipino writer Gilda Cordero-Fernando initially intending to read about someone I met recently I remember Gilda mention in one of her pieces.  The page read (written it turned out by Gilda’s co-writer Mariel Francisco) “So what have my ovarian cysts got to do with …cosmic events?  Simple. They are part of a naturally evolving universe which has been programmed for growth.  It was time for me to grow, but I couldn’t (at least, not in the ways I wanted to), so my ovaries grew for me!”

How spot on can it be with my present challenge (also a dis-ease in one of the organs in the reproductive system) to go through and overcome?  Nothing is indeed coincidental.  Serendipity gani!

Likening false growths (or fibroids or tumors) to a pearl an oyster makes by taking a grain of sand and growing a hard and shiny shell around it (so beautiful we use it as jewelry), Louise Hay relates that we (women mostly) take an old hurt, nurse it and pull a scab around which eventually become a tumor.  Or a false growth for it was not included in the plan of our bodies in its whole state. 

Related to this, Louise counsels particularly as we women relate to the men in our lives “It is not what happens, it is how we reactto it.  We are each 100% responsible for all our experiences.”

flower growing amidst various things around it

I have done some inner work on my present health challenge but the above is a very good thing to remember and internalize.  Sometimes it has to be repeated again and again by different teachers, unexpected sources before I get it. 

I thank God so loving patient and understanding for infinite chances He She provides me to keep on learning.

References:

Gilda Cordero-Fernando and Mariel N. Francisco, Ladies’ Lunch and Other Ways to Wholeness (Quezon City, Philippines:  GCF Books, 1994), 106

Brahma Kumaris (Enrique Simo), The Gift of Peace: Thoughts for a Peaceful World (London, UK: Brahma Kumaris Information Services Ltd., 2002), 48

Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life (Quezon City, Philippines: Kadena Books, 1993), 146

I approve of myself

Nighttime 1^st of Feb

I welcome a glimpse through my peripheral vision of the words “I approve of myself” early this day, a time when I feel as-yet-confused, a bit scared without clearly knowing why.

…and early tonight to glance again at “I approve of myself” when I have not yet done what I had lightly planned on “at least” doing for the day has kept my heart hopeful that I can do it and yet not feel much pressure.

And just now when I have done the minimum I have set for myself for today, seeing gold-ink pentel penned “I approve of myself” in white bond scratch paper silently but joyfully affirms me because the plan has been carried out. 

I totally underestimated the power of this affirmation the first time I encountered it in a movie of long ago (intoned repeatedly by the character played by lovely but at that time so-so actress Sean Young).  Yet many of the dissatisfactions one feels, the negative actions towards others produced by one feeling small and unworthy have stemmed from precisely and in a major way the lack of approval for one’s self.  At least that’s what the sages say.

For how can we praise anyone sincerely if we, deep within us, are critical of ourselves?  How can we be happy for other people’s success or small good things that come to them if we are dissatisfied with who we are?  When we feel unworthy, when we think-feel we are not good enough?

If I sound like I am preaching it is because I am.  And as I write right now, realizing just that, it comes to me “So that’s why I am feeling superficial!”  It dawns on me just now that I should really be telling myself that, not anyone else, first off.  Not with condemnation though but with understanding and a deep gentle patience as well as a willingness to still be there for myself even if I don’t get it right the first several tries.

(This is one of the reasons I love writing.  As I keep at it, it eventually feels like there is this light which shines on previously dark spots, making me see what I overlooked before.  Making me understand myself more…others, too, and priming me for action.)

My kumare (meaning co-godparent, not in the “real” sense but I just feel like calling her that : )) Louise Hay suggests that to quickly heal skin problems (which I on-and-off have), I could say in my mind “I approve of myself” several hundred times a day.  To nurture myself.

I haven’t done a hundred when I would do this affirmation once in a while, but I make up for the at least 3 and at most 12 or so times I would say it by saying it as meaningfully and being-there-in-the-moment as I could.

Kumareng Louise adds, “Take back your own power.” Oh yeah! Hahahaha!

Going for joy

Written Saturday night

I want to write something which will bring joy to (me as well as to) anyone who reads it. But I am in this rather light yet a bit morose situation which allows me to keep writing from the heart yet in a serious manner. I don’t want to be tagged serious but that defines me at this moment. And the more I run away from seriousness the more it sticks with me.

“I lovingly protect myself with thoughts of JOY and PEACE. The past is forgiven and forgotten. I am free in this moment.” I have been reading this as a mantra or an affirmation for some time recently (will probably keep doing it for a while) when I had a skin ailment. An attention-getting (AS IN!) itch-pain upwards of my right arm’s inner wrist …because some weeks ago in spite of efforts at releasing the negativity which engulfed me about two issues, I felt very much threatened as regards my individuality. (This was prior to learning I am going to have a job this November.)

“I get attention in positive ways. I am secure.” Goes a part of a set of affirmations, from tried and tested Louise L. Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life book, also for any dis-ease concerning the skin.

It continues “No one threatens my individuality. I AM AT PEACE.” At that time I thought I was at peace yet I also had to acknowledge feeling so insecure, like I am going to be harmed. I felt afraid in spite of myself and my spiritual connection.

“The world is safe and friendly. I release all anger and resentment.” On hindsight this actually served as a warning without my knowing it, for what was then as well as what is to come, which I am facing now in my workplace. At that time I have successfully transitioned from my on and off resentment to a relative who has not acted in a way I expected her to do to being loving and understanding, if not outwardly yet at least from my feeling-thinking end. (It has been weeks since I decided I have enough of suffering perceiving my relative in a bad light and chose loving-kindness instead. I can report that it has continued to bring more harmonious relationship between us. Our interaction has certainly shifted towards something that is light-on-the-heart.)

A day ago I approached an officemate I used to (during Part 1 of my working for the org I have recently rejoined) be quite biased against to relate to her two joyful vignettes. We had a laugh at these which seemed new and fresh and oh-so-very welcome at this point.

The night before that I dropped by a friend’s place wanting to just laugh my head off, to experience more joy in my day (that was ending in some hours). Sensing my somewhat downcast aura, my friend told me a story she billed as “funny” which, unfortunately, did not make me laugh. Still, I did not give up hope that my little prayer for JOY on my way to her place would be answered.

Soon we were laughing like lunatics (days before the full moon) because of our running exchange or commentary on a recent development, couple-wise (a “sudden” marriage by someone we both know) and on an up-to-the-minute happening (a young admirer of hers she just met connecting with her with persistence, as we chatted).

Even in the darkest moments or in the most trying of times, one can choose joy. I just wonder why it did not come to me earlier as it would have busted some of the mega-stresses I entertained faster. I suppose it takes a while for someone like me to surface after being symbolically pushed underwater and held down there for some time. Or maybe the shock of the unexpected push took a while to wear off I thought I was still being weighed down even when the hands that held me down were no longer there. Self-pity can be debilitating especially if largely unacknowledged because I was trying to “be strong”.

But prayers, lots of them, are being answered one by one and the typhoon that blew into my life seems to have gone on to the next province (still in my country’s area of responsibility though). A statement of support from various sources. An “I love your hair!” from the wise regal owner of the official travel agency of my office. A warm “Bye Paz” from a former employee of the organization who came to visit have become like shooting stars lighting up the dark dreary landscape of my heart. An invitation to lunch (even if it was meant merely as a pleasantry) from, well, a good soul but whose allegiance is understandably not with newbie-me-again and my ragtag band of silent-mostly supporters. (I recognize that all of us are good souls, by the way, whichever camp we presently belong to.)

Life is good in spite of the challenges. I can say this now because I can breathe normally again. The heaviness has lifted somewhat. I pray for continued strength, joy and peace in my heart no matter what transpires “out there”. Several people are praying for me and raining me with blessings most probably  perseverance, strength, “focus on the work at hand”, equanimity and above all, humility. I pray to be blessed with those, too, as well as bottomless forgiveness, loving release of the old or that which I no longer need, my usual (thanks to my years in pranic healing) “peace love understanding harmony understanding forgiveness reconciliation divine-love-mercy” for me and all I interact with in the office. Maybe , too as suggested by Ms. Hay, prayer for blessings to learn to trust the process of life to always bring me what I need.

Thank you my beloved Divine Father Mother for loving and seeing me through it all. I am glad I increasingly feel your abiding presence even in the loneliest or most hurtful of moments. Could this be joy?