Embracing uncertainty (even as things are becoming clearer)

When you have embraced uncertainty you are freed from great fears of what lies ahead.  

That’s paraphrasing Eckhart Tolle in a part of his book  A New Earth.  I am sure many others have experienced it, too, that a concern of the moment is answered or made sense of by what they read or hear “out there”.  Because they searched for a clarity, an understanding or a solution, there it is given wala lang, lovingly, completely.  Grace, indeed.

Yet in recent days I have been in a state of general uncertainty.  At the very least it put me at considerable unease though it seems on the surface I am okay.  Even though I tried I couldn’t find the strength to wrap myself around the unknown that lies ahead and which somewhat contaminated the present as I am living it.

Even conscious deep breathing to bring myself to my body and thus the present is a thing that many times did not come naturally.

I have to show up for my life, I read somewhere, so my life can show up for me.  That’s nice but when you at some point stay stalled somewhat paralyzed even that nice thing can have a tinge of nastiness to it, an idea mocking you.

But I am no stranger to feelings of unease, a certain down feeling, even depression.  The difference now is the increasing awareness that I am in the state I am in, whatever it may be.  This consciousness of what I am going through is the push that brings me to higher ground again and again.

I watched and was absorbed by Japanese TV films on the RED channel.  There’s lots you can get from such not at all nonsense in fact good quality small movies.  Yesterday I was riveted by a story of two best friends, outcasts both in their high school.  Yukie, the one abandoned by her mother and whose father was in jail, eventually left their village to go to Tokyo.  As the train was pulling out of the station, the one left behind ran alongside it calling out “Don’t give up” whatever happens “Don’t ever give up, Yukie-san.”  Much later as Yukie lay dying in the hospital (after falling from an overpass to avoid a bunch of bicycling boys), it is this simple statement which came up to powerfully give her courage to fight for her life.

I have been watching too many Jap films lately it seems its accumulation in my subconscious brought forth at least two dream sequences with Japanese characters in them.  As I half awoke this morning, I searched for myself among them and realized with some weirdness as well as a chuckle that I am one of the Japanese characters! Mwahaha!  There are several people or at least two persons interacting in the sequences and there are discussions and something being resolved and lots of light feeling as well as brightness especially towards the end.

The unease and uncertainty I have been facing came coupled with gradually realizing what I cannot do or want in my life anymore.  This too is a precious gift.

Due to a scarcity mindset that once in a while plague me, I resort to, even just in my mind, entertaining undertaking some things to earn an income which would require great effort on my part (even if it endows me with some prestige in some people’s eyes).  I have been given several gifts, why not come from there so it would not be a strain to express them?  It then becomes a joy to do and I earn to boot!  Freefall, I am urged.

Some people need to stay in a job or means of living that they are not so enthusiastic about for whatever purpose it serves them.  That’s okay.  Lately (for some years now, actually), I have been finding out, I do not belong to this category.  And that’s okay, too.